You so Punny!

So I did it. I did it a day late, but it's here! This is my attempt at cramming as many puns as I could into a story, hope it makes you giggle. I cheated and used this website a bit to help me: http://www.funny2.com/puns.htm

Hugo was channel hopping, as he tended to do each morning. He also watched television illicitly in the ferry crew staff room. He switched over to the news. The nasal voice of the whingeing reporter made a tinny echo in the small, sterile kitchenette.  

“It's a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day.”

At this point Earl walked in and nodded his greeting to Hugo. Earl Lee Riser always worked the morning shifts with Hugo, and he liked the friendly, laid-back familiar amiability of routine they shared. They sat watching the inane reporter for a little while until Earl broke the quiet.

“Oolong has this tea been sat here man?” 
“Too long Earl, it’s probably gone grey by now. But you know what they say; time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. I just haven’t gotten around to boiling the kettle yet. I did try and get some of that loose tea you like, but the price was too steep.” 
“Oh, that’s alright, thanks for trying anyways. So what did you get up to with your woman last night? Whatever it was you’d better have been safe man, you know condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion! Think of Kit Baker, he was with Mary for two seconds and now he’s got a bun in the oven!”

“I know, I know. Stop behaving like my mother Earl, I’m a grown man. And you know Kit, he’s not like his brother, he’s the good Baker, he’ll rise to the occasion, it’s the yeast he can do after all.”

“That’s true enough. So what did you and Iona get up to?”

“Well, where do I start. We were over in France so I thought we’d go and have a romantic day in Paris, see the sights and that. But all of a sudden she starts talking about marriage and stuff. It was getting really heavy for a bit there so I was trying to do make light of it but it didn’t work. And you know how I feel about marriage”

“It’s just the mourning after the knot before,” they intoned together.

“So what happened then?” Earl leaned forward in his seat.

“She said she wasn’t happy, she said she wanted more. She wanted marriage and all that came along with it, a new name and a dress. But I wasn’t having none of it. And then she got all hysterical saying she’d throw herself off the bridge if I didn’t ask her to marry me.”

“No way! Then what?”

“I simply told her that if she did that she’d be in Seine and no man would want to marry her after that.”

“I suppose not, I’ve heard it stinks.”

“Exactly. Then I did the right thing and broke up with her. I told her we were too alike, we’re both too selfish and when two egotists meet it’s always an I for an I.”

“How did she take it?”

“Not too well. She stomped off to her little beat up Honda and drove away into the sunset. I guess that’s the last I’ll see of Iona Ferrari.”

“I’m sorry man, but it sounds like you’re well rid of her. Bit psycho if you ask me!”

“I suppose so. I’ll miss the little things she used to do though, like cook me breakfast at the weekend. She always said a boiled egg in the morning was hard to beat.”

“Cheer up Hugo, it could always be worse, did you hear about the marine biologist who developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with - transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. Hahahahahahahaha!” Hugo, who’d been staring glumly into his cold tea, cracked a smile.

“Earl, that’s got to be the worse bird-related pun I feather heard. I need a drink, but if I was caught on the job they’d make me take a leave of absinthe.”

“That’s the spirit! Don’t let your troubles get you down mate, after all, suicide at sea is definitely going overboard. You’ll feel better tomorrow.”

The two men went back to their amiable quiet and stared at the television. The reporter on the news had changed. A pretty, pert brunette beamed at them from behind her desk. They sat up and took notice,

“Next up” she chattered, “why are corduroy pillows making headlines?”